All posts tagged: toddlers

Judd Apatow’s Pioneer Woman

I don’t know if I make the disclaimer often enough that my complaints about my kids are generated from the 10% of the time they are (Colton is a) monsters. The 85% of the rest of the day, they’re wonderful, fun, happy boys. Of course, 40% of that 90% they’re sleeping. Or, I mean 50% of the original, so that’s really…whatever. Never mind. Math is hard. But still. There are demonic toddlers in the world. Colton is not one of those. He is scarily charming. My French mother says, “He is a seducer. Like Bill Clinton.” That’s a compliment for the French. And he’s easy to calm. Just pick him up and he’s happy. Now that I’ve confessed (absolved?) my guilt for his future therapy…let me complain some more. Over the past year, two metaphors craft my self-image: a lonely pioneer woman and a loser Judd Apatow protagonist. Wonderful, whiny Colton wants to be held all day long. I can’t and I won’t. Colton gets upset when he doesn’t get his way. #tearlesscrying ensues if …

Parentood is Easy: 3 Rules

PARENTS! (Yes, I am YELLING at YOU!) Parenthood is easy. The nuts and bolts of parenting are simple. Below are the rules to avoid raising an emperor who ruins your life and annoys me at Starbucks. Get these basics down, and then you can deal with what makes parenthood enjoyable (as opposed to barely tolerable.) FOLLOW THROUGH (I had to yell this one.) If you say, “Timmy, don’t do X, or we will have to do Y” you best be ready to follow through with play Y. IF YOU DON’T FOLLOW THROUGH WITH PLAN Y, YOU’RE SETTING YOURSELF UP TO BECOME A HUMAN TREADMILL FOR A TYRANT. It drives me nuts to hear open threats in public. “If you don’t stop throwing truffle cavatelli, Bunky, you won’t get to watch Real Housewives, on my iPhone.” (And two seconds later, Bunky is watching the iPhone. Because the parents gave up.) “Don’t puncture the heirloom tomatoes, Bordeaux, or you won’t get an heirloom cookie.” (And two stalls later at the farmer’s market, mischievous Bordeaux sports gluten-full crumbs …

3 1/2 Ways to Teach My Toddlers About MLK, Jr.

On this Martin Luther King, Jr Day, and after a conversation I had with some narrow minds over the holidays, I’m choosing to think of lessons from MLK’s life in three segments: Have empathy for people who feel down-trodden Don’t condemn an entire population for the actions of a few. Racial issues are more about socio-economics than skin color. I’m imagining discussing this with my 3-year-old:

#ferguson #icantbreathe

“So how do you feel about all this police business going on?” I kept a poker face. Quite a set-up. My partner and I visited his old family friends over the holidays. I asked “Don’t we need to call these people and let them know we’re coming?” “No, Gavin. It’s small-town Connecticut. We just drop in.” (I’d be livid if people interrupted my frenetic Christmas preparations.) The police question was popped by an 83-year-old man, a friend of my partner’s parents. I’ll call him “Big Al” and his wife, “Little Alice”. They’re salt-of-the-earth people. Big Al was a painter, by trade, Alice a stay-at-home mom (of 4 kids). And, by the way, they’re “all about” gays and kids.