My kids are still not old enough (at ages 4 and 2) to have moved into the age of pimp/slut Halloween costumes. But even “cute” Halloween costume catalogs deserve to be criticized and laughed at because, well, over-the-top anything deserves ridicule.

And nowhere else do I find such derisive pleasure (and headaches from eye-rolling) as from the Catching Fireflies Halloween catalog. Ergo, I give you:

This poor child didn’t understand when his daddy said, “I’ll throw some things together and make you a costume” that he’d dress as a ragged rug riddled with small pox.

Chasing Fireflies.

OK. The production value of the costumes in this catalog is pretty high. But this girl’s passé is horrendous. Point those toes, girls. Make those hands even. Circus ponies need better posture to be hired in Vegas.

Chasing Fireflies

Being cast as Brunhilda at age 7 is not cute. This is called a 3rd-grade school play costume…in Lappland. Not Halloween. There’s nothing glamorous about vikings. They had to live by pillaging reindeer jerky and salted cod, not Red Vines and Reese’s.

Chasing Fireflies

This kid scores major points for dressing as Jack Palance – at age 91.

Chasing Fireflies

1997 just called. It apologizes for the Spice Girls.

Chasing Fireflies

The first step in a can-can girl’s “wide stance” career.

Catching Fireflies

This musical theatre freak requires an intervention. Friends: do not let your 6-year-old BFF, girl or boy, walk out of the house as a backup singer to Teen Angel in Grease.

Catching Fireflies

Clearly her agent didn’t secure photo approval.

Catching Fireflies

#racists

Catching Fireflies

This poor family. Someone should beat them up.

Catching Fireflies

Dangerously close to a Rio carnivale float.

Catching Fireflies

Ok, now, seriously. The hat? The bag? She only posed for this to appease Aunt Elizabeth who sent the bloody thing. Even 5-year-olds know they don’t want to be called “Big Ben.” And who switched the top of the Eiffel Tower costume to the Big Ben? Was this some hilarious French hijinks? The English are not amusé.

Catching Fireflies

The Eiffel Tower measures 984 feet. This skirt hem needs to measure at least 984 inches. And you KNOW that poodle purse doesn’t have poop bags. The French don’t clean up after their dogs.

Chasing Fireflies

Aunt Mildred is 67 years old. Why did she have to be the one to kneel?

Catching Fireflies

Design-your-own princess gown. This entire catalog is full of princesses. To wit: Sweet Fairy, Wicked, Indian Maharani, Personalized Birthday, Balinese, Spring, Native American, Circus (Circus? Yes. Circus), Golden, Renaissance, Kimono, Skeleton, Snowflake, Candy, Autumn, Garden, Polynesian. All names of princess costumes. But if those weren’t enough, you can be Do-It-Yourself Princess. Doesn’t that show spunk and gumption? So scrappy. So creative. So demanding. So Nothing-is-ever-good-enough-just-look-at-all-I-do-for-you-and-this-is-the-thanks-I-get Princess.

Catching Fireflies

Thank you, Catching Fireflies for providing me with an obsolete catalog to thumb-through several times a year. Your stuff is amazing. And any kid would be lucky to don your threads (not to mention become a Firefly supermodel.)