A few months ago I wrote about life feeling like an endless shit storm…literally. And by “literally”, I mean literally…my two (still-diapered) kids and my feculence-challenged dog.

Now that my older son is diaper-free and the dog is on a schedule where I regularly express her bowels (gag), life feels much less shitty.

Pun intended.

Now it’s pissy.

Madison’s acupuncturist (yes…her acupuncturist…everyone says it’s the best treatment for FCE…and by “everyone”, I don’t mean the Google) suggested we stop expressing her bladder, thereby stimulating her nerves to regain some control.

Meaning: with patience and timing she pees intentionally about half the time.

It also means she pees unintentionally half the time. Particularly when she’s excited and I haven’t timed it well, she’s standing one second and squatting the next.

Only, because of her neurological issues, she can’t effectively squat, so she walks as she squats. Meaning: she leaves a trail of pee. And if she loses control in the apartment, she knows she’s doing wrong, panics and ends up peeing in lines (or circles) on rugs.

And it’s ALWAYS on rugs. Why can’t it be on our wood floors? Nope. I swear she aims for the rugs just to piss me off.

We clean up and toss urine-moistened towels in the bathtub to fester until laundry day.

And then there’s adorable Ellison.

His teacher says he’s a great “I gotta pee” announcer and there are no accidents.

But after school that wonderful kid would change pants six times a day IF I changed him every time he’s wet.

But I don’t.

If we’ve JUST arrived at the playground and then he decides to wet himself a little bit, I let him keep going. Don’t get me wrong. His pants aren’t soaked, he’s merely a little wet. It doesn’t seem to bother him. So what’s the harm?

I need to be better about asking him every 20 friggin’ minutes if he needs to go potty.

And then there’s nighttime. We’ve gone cold turkey: no overnight diapers. He wakes up dry about half the time. We give him a “ghost pee” around 11 pm, and when Colton wakes up #tearlesscrying, I check Ellison’s bed. He’s still dry. Then an hour later, when he wakes, he’s wet.

He usually wakes us up quietly saying, “I’m a wittle bit wet. Can you change me? Is it ok?”

I always answer, “It’s cool, buddy. No problem,” then strip the bed, and toss the sheets into the bathtub to ferment with the canine-urine-soaked towel.

A mere few hours later, the bathroom fetidness is unbearable. So, if it can be squeezed into the schedule, the 20^th dollar of the week is spent in the basement laundry machines.

The peeing has been so pervasive for the past few months that I’ve come to think standing urine (in towels and toddler pants…not on the floor) smells worse than dog poop. Poop makes me gag, but pee makes me wince and recoil. It’s an entirely different olfactory experience I never imagined enduring for months.

Over Memorial Day weekend, we were away and left a pile of laundry in the bathtub. Upon our return, the apartment smelled like a hamster cage. Yeah, that was awesome. The stink is gone, I think.

That damn dog better regain control soon. And those damn daddies need to be better about asking Ellison to pee more often.

I can’t wait to see what parallel issues my dog and children will develop, next.

Y’all have any suggestions for saving me from urinarily short-circuiting?…be they for toddlers or canines? Thx. I need some help!